heartache [ dae! ]

[T. Corpse]

SPIDERTAIL

He had always felt just a little bit guilty when he was sneaking off to see Fawnstripe, but it was worse now than normal. Even after spending his day hunting and patrolling, to think that he was going off to essentially betray his clan made his chest ache and anxiety cloud his thoughts. Between understanding that Fawnstripe was going to have his kits--a queen of another clan!--and his father's recent death, it felt more of a betrayal than ever before. He could only imagine what Blackfang or Sparkclaw would say--only imagine how much they would hate them, the looks they'd give him--but he couldn't stop. He loved Fawnstripe too much; sometimes seeing her was the only thing that made him look forward to waking up in the morning. Melodramatic or not, he was starting to acknowledge that was a truth in his life.

As the sun started to slip below the horizon, he crawled out of the warrior den and snuck out of camp. No cat noticed him--why would they? The only ones who would pay attention to him were his mother and brother, but even they wanted nothing to do with them anymore. He went unnoticed.

Anxiously little butterflies fluttered in his stomach and he soon broke into a run. All sorts of emotions coursed through him--guilt, happiness, regret, worry, and burning love--and their intensity made it hard for him to breathe. His head felt like it was in the clouds but he couldn't stop running. His trail would have been ridiculously easy to follow, had a cat tracked him, but at the moment he didn't care. He just wanted to see Fawnstripe, to know she was okay, to ask if she knew when she was having their kits. It had felt like seasons since he'd seen her last.

Finally, Spidertail made it to the border. He was panting and his limbs ached with exhaustion, not just from the run, but from his day of hard work as well. He knew he should've spent his night resting but he didn't care. He curled up along the stream that made the border with BrookClan, listened to the soft trickle of the water just only freed from Leafbare's icy grip, and waiting.

She would be here soon.

['| Daeyna]

Fawnstripe

Nobody ever seemed to bother questioning a queen on her whereabouts. It was just general knowledge that they needed time to wander about, and the inside of the camp just wasn't good enough sometimes. Most of the other cats had retreated to their nests for the night, but some were still laying out, talking quietly as they shared tongues. Fawnstripe emerged from the nursery, her belly swollen with the kits she had in it. The brown she-cat loped lazily towards the camp entrance, letting loose a large yawn as she did so. She nodded in greeting at the cats as she passed them. There was no need to be suspicious looking.

She was getting good at this. "Another stroll at night, Fawnstripe?" a familiar voice asked. She turned towards the camp's guard and smiled. "Of course. I want to get my next six moons of walking in before I have to stay in the camp to raise the little ones." she mewed cheerfully.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

As she neared the border with Goldenclan, the nervousness set in. This always happened when she went to meet him. Spidertail. The Goldenclan tom that she shouldn't be meeting. The father of her kits. Fawnstripe had never really had all that much respect for the warrior code anyways, but she knew that having kits fathered by a tom from another clan may have been too far. Loving him was one thing. This took it to a whole new level. But they'd talked about it. It was best to raise them in the clans. It was safer.

After a bit of walking, she saw him. He was curled up on the opposite bank of the stream. Her heart did a little flip, and she made for a slow trot towards him. It was all she could do now. The kits in her belly made it hard to run quickly. "Spidertail!" she whispered loudly. Once at the edge of the stream she stopped, confused. She couldn't possibly get over to the other side. It was difficult enough without having kits in her stomach. Fawnstripe looked up at him and smiled, gesturing for him to cross over to her side. Oh, how she loved him.


365 words | decent muse. should get better. | spidertail

[T. Corpse]

SPIDERTAIL

He sat up straighter as he saw her coming. A deep feeling of warmth and happiness throbbed in his chest, and he was on his paws in no time, purring softly and anxiously. "Fawnstripe!" He mewed, softly, when she was close enough to hear him. His eyes were bright with affection and relief--seeing how big she was now it had to only be a matter of time before the kits came.

Just moons ago he would have balked at crossing the stream but now he didn't hesitate for a second. He knew where certain stepping stones were and had enough confidence that he wouldn't slip into the water--and even if he did, Fawnstripe had taught him how to swim and keep his wits about him while in the water. He was on BrookClan territory in seconds.

He used to feel ashamed and terrified whenever he crossed the border, but now it hardly bothered him. The smell--disturbingly--had grown as familiar to him as Fawnstripe herself. He shook moisture from his paws and then pressed up against his mate (an enemy warrior something deep in his mind whispered) and purred. He was silent for a moment, just basking in her presence, before murmuring, "It's so good to see you."

After a moment, Spidertail took a step back and stared at her. It hadn't been a really long time since he'd seen her, but since then he felt like she'd gotten so much more pregnant than she was before. His whiskers twitching, he reached out to teasingly nudge her belly, "But you're so big now!"

While staring at her, he had the sudden, strong urge to ask her to come back with him, to join GoldenClan and raise the kits with him. But he knew that she could never say yes to that; if she had wanted to do that she would have suggested that a long time ago, when they first knew that she was expecting. It hurt to think that when she had her kits, that they would grow up far away from him and he wouldn't ever have the chance to be close to them. They would belong to BrookClan. They would never really be his.

Those thoughts were too dark for now, though, so he tucked them away to deal with them later and pressed close to her once again. "How have you been? Have the other queens been nice to you?"

['| Daeyna]

Fawnstripe

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Fawnstripe watched with pride as her mate made is easily across the river. She thought back to when she was first teaching him to cross; how he was afraid of falling into the cold water and drowning. She'd told him that if he did fall in, she'd save him; that he needed to trust her. The memories of past meetings brought a smile to her face even bigger than the one that was already there.

"Spidertail.." she breathed as he pressed up against her. She inhaled his scent, relishing in it as he started purring. His purr made her purr, too, and she listened intently as he talked. "It's good to see you, too, Spidertail." she said quietly, looking into his eyes as he stepped back. Fawnstripe laughed when he nudged her stomach. "Yeah. Brindlefoot says there's three kits. She says they'll probably come in about four sunrises or so. I'm so excited, Spidertail. I'll bring them to meet you as soon as they're old enough to walk. We'll meet right here. I don't think I want to hide them from who they are. They should know."

She watched him as she waited for him to reply to her statement. Something flashed through his eyes. Something familiar. She knew what he was thinking. Fawnstripe knew that he wanted her to move in to Goldenclan with him, but she couldn't. She couldn't bring herself to leave the cats that she'd grown up with. Especially not her dad. He would be devastated. She guessed what the other thoughts were, too; that the kits wouldn't really be his. "They're as much your as they are mine." she whispered quietly. She wasn't even sure if he'd heard or not, but she had to say it.

Fawnstripe looked up when Spidertail pressed into her side again. "I've been doing good. Nobody's been bothering me, and I assure you, I've been getting lots of rest. And yes, they've been wonderful. They're very helpful." She smiled at him, then decided to lay down. Her legs were tired very easily these days, and she needed to rest f she wanted to be able to get back to her camp later. "How have you been?"

[T. Corpse]

SPIDERTAIL

Three kits! To think that the two of them were going to be parents. He still had a hard time, sometimes, when he realized that this was all reality. It felt like some wild dream, and when he was back in camp or on patrol sometimes it felt like a hazy fantasy. It was only now, here with her, that he knew that all of this was really happening. "It's still weird sometimes," he muttered, but not unhappily. Even with the threat--was it bad he was thinking of it like this?--of her kitting looming over him, he still felt warm and happy and satisfied whenever they met.

"That we're going to be parents." He finished, with his ears warm with something like embarrassment. In just four days! He felt a flicker of panic--not unlike before when he thought, bitterly, that these kits wouldn't be his own. When they kits were born, somehow this would all be permanent. Not that he didn't want that, he told himself, because he did--he wanted her forever, always, even when he went to StarClan he'd think happily of these border meetings, but... Before, he could have walked away with no strings attached. Now he knew that there was no going back and that terrified him. To think of the consequences now, compared to the consequences later... For a moment Spidertail said nothing, just thinking.

His ears twitched and swiveled back to her and he shook himself out of those thoughts. He answered back with a true, but sad smile, and said, "Yeah." But for a moment there was a flicker of doubt--would it better to allow them to grow up, ignorant? Wouldn't they be plagued with this for the rest of their life? But Spidertail wondered if it would be cruel, to keep them purposefully in the dark. He had so many questions and dilemmas but no answers, and with every day closer to his kits being born, they became more and more pressing and scary. "I wouldn't want to lie to them, either."

But the thought of meeting them here and playing with them like his father never played with him made him smile. Again he was broken out of his cloud of negativity and he smiled at Fawnstripe. He was smiling, too, because she had anticipated all his questions and knew exactly what he was going to say. No one else knew him like that and the happiness and dizzying pleasure that came with that easily overpowered the sadness.

"I've been good." He paused for a moment and thought of all the things he hadn't told her--Flameclaw's death, the suspicion that someone knew what he was doing, and the guilt that was sometimes so bad he felt sick. He couldn't tell her that. He couldn't allow her to doubt for one minute that he didn't love her, or wasn't serious about this, because he did.

"You know--I just have to keep coming up with excuses to leave camp, but. It's not that hard. I mean, so long as a I bring in a lot of fresh-kill they don't really ask where I am." He said, brightly, pushing away all the bitterness and hoping she wouldn't notice--she was going to have their kits soon, the last thing she needed to worry about was his problems.

['| Daeyna]

Fawnstripe

Fawnstripe had the sudden urge to roll over on to her back. Being with Spidertail always made her feel this way. She knew he loved her, and she loved him back more than any cat could imagine. She'd thought about this often, how their love wasn't supposed to exist. How the warrior code forbade it, but until now, she'd just dismissed it. It seemed as if it all had finally caught up to her; she was having forbidden kits! Kits that, if their lineage was found out, would be tainted with the betrayal of their parents. They would be looked down upon, and would have to work that much harder to be accepted again.

"I've been doing good"

Spidertail's comment snapped her out of her thoughts. "That's good to hear." she muttered, sinking back into the thoughts of what she'd do if someone found out. Her brow furrowed with sadness as she thought of how Pantherstar would react. The leader might kick her out of the clan. What would they do to her father? He'd been the one covering for her. They'd probably scorn him for doing it. He'd be miserable.

"You know--I just have to keep coming up with excuses to leave camp, but. It's not that hard. I mean, so long as a I bring in a lot of fresh-kill they don't really ask where I am."

Fawnstripe looked back up at her mate. He shouldn't have to be making excuses. If she'd been a better warrior, If she'd followed the code better, they wouldn't have fallen in love. She took in a deep breath, now realizing that she'd been breathing quickly and shallowly for the past few minutes. How would she raise them without suspicion? The others in the clan surely knew that none of the toms there were the father. She barely talked to them, let alone liked any of them.

"Spidertail, I'm scared." She said finally. Fawnstripe stood up and walked a couple of paces away from him before turning around and sitting. "I-I don't know If I can do this. I mean, I want my kits to grow up in the clans, but I don't know if I can do this alone." she looked down, embarrassed about letting her true thoughts out. She'd never said them before, but these thoughts had always been there. Since the day she found out she was pregnant, they'd been hiding in the very back of her mind. It had taken until just days before her kitting to be able to recognize them.

"I know I've said that it'll be okay, and that we'll have them meet you and stuff, but I don't know if it will be okay. Oh, Spidertail. I love you so much, but I'm so, so scared now." Taking in another deep breath she brought her eyes up to meet his, which, given what she'd just said, was really difficult. What if she'd hurt his feelings, and he left? She couldn't bear to even think about that right now, so she shook the thought away. She just wanted him to comfort her now.

[T. Corpse]

SPIDERTAIL

Spidertail stared helplessly at her for a moment and his heart sank. Part of what he loved about her was how easily she dismissed conventionality, how little she cared for the things that terrified him, and her vicious independence. It seemed as if, all of a sudden, all those things were crumbling before him, and Spidertail didn't know what to do. He just looked at her, eyes stretched wide and his tail twitching slightly. Finally he whispered, "I'm scared, too."

He didn't know what to say after that, and all he could do was watch her confess her feelings. He felt so small and helpless--what could he do to help her? He had no idea how he could soothe her fear and make this better. Even if there was something he could do, there wasn't enough time--he couldn't spend too much time out here with her or else someone would find him. "You can do this," he mewed softly, and for a moment those were the only words he had.

The gray tom took a deep breath and continued, "We can. We--we're strong enough, and--and our kits will be strong enough, too." He was speaking quietly, but with a sort of strong desperation. He wanted her to believe him and he wanted to believe himself. These things needed to be true. He took another deep breath, trying to still his pounding heart, but it didn't help. He felt numb and so afraid--he had always hoped that she would be the strong one, the one who didn't care, and that was all tumbling down around them.

"I love you too," He said in a choked little whisper, and his voice almost died in his throat. He hung his head and didn't move an inch as she backed away. He felt as if he were frozen to the spot.

"I think--I think that things will be better when the kits are born." He finally said, hesitantly. Spidertail was not a gallant romantic, he was an awkward, incredibly young and insecure cat--he had no idea what he was supposed to say, and his words almost sounded false to him. He avoided her eyes and started to talk again, rapidly.

"She-cats--she-cats don't need to tell who their mate is, right? So--so you'll be fine, just--" But his voice was getting shrilled as he talked and his tail curled up around him. He clamped his mouth shut.

"We just--we'll have to be careful." He said, quietly and tentatively.