and then came the stars;; [Spidertail/Hawkclaw]

[KIPPER.]

The water was clear on this warm night though the air brought promise of rain later in the morning. Most cats hated the rain, some even feared it as it was a tyrant if it drowned the den in such a flat terrain yet the great tom welcomed the freshness of the scents and the clearness of the air afterwards. The Silverpelt loomed over him silently and he could feel FrostedStar’s watchful gaze from above, questioning the sudden dip in his mood from beyond. As kits they had come here to play and see how far each of them could climb before the other chickened out and climbed back down - only once had Hawkclaw (Then, Hawkpaw) reached a few of the higher branches before he had to get escorted down by one of the older warriors. Frostedstar was at the bottom of course but unlike any other kit who would have mocked him, he simply said ‘I don’t think StarClan is ready for you yet brother’ and that was that. Part of him still longed for that to be true but he knew now that it was he who was not ready for StarClan. In his mind he pictured the long white tail of his former friend turn heel and disappear into the stars.

He was alone again peering into the rock pond as if the whole fantasy was just that. He needed the release but not rotting away in the Elder’s den like some crippled rag and not until the Clan needed him no more. Perhaps that is why he turned down Deputy when it was offered - he would not put his family second if anything were to happen to Frostedstar and in his heart Frostedstar knew this and did not feel ill towards him for this decision. After his son took up deputy some time later it was all worth it… though he had not been allowed to mentor Eaglestar himself there was another he was having doubts about now. Spidertail had recently become a thorn in GoldenClan’s paw whether he knew it or not. As his old mentor he knew Spidertail was not up to much as a warrior - he didn’t have the set skill of any of the other cats and was rather average in all fields however he was quite good at being secretive and as the only other cat within the clan that knew him too well he felt it was his job to investigate when the grey tom started acting strange.

It had began just after he became named as a warrior, at a gathering where he started speaking to the cats of BrookClan. As a peaceful gathering it didn’t bother him but it was a matter of time before his secretive nature god the better of him and Hawkclaw followed him to the borders and to his anger, just beyond. As it turned out he was meeting with one of the she-cats from BrookClan, a pretty light colored one but as a fellow ‘love traitor’ himself he did not snitch, he simply warned the tom to keep it out of GoldenClan and away from the ears of anyone who would want to use it against them and so it remained a blissful secret romance between the two… for now. His ears swivelled at the sound of movement approaching and the familiar scent of Spidertail grew nearer. Hawkclaw had been careful to keep Spidertail away from the politics of recent but the BrookClan and GoldenClan conflict was something he would have to share with him this night. Eaglestar wanted him on this assignment, as if knowing it was Spidertail, if he refused then Hawkclaw would chase him out himself.

[T. Corpse]

SPIDERTAIL

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The day had been a long one for Spidertail. He knew that Fawnstripe was supposed to have her kits today and the thought drove him mad with worry, so from the moment he woke up he set out to join as many patrols as he could. He figured that if he didn't put his mind to something productive, he would spent his entire day worrying over her. He also knew that it would be quite awhile before he would be able to see her again--and what about their kits? When would he be able to meet them?

If he let himself get distracted, his mind would wander to things he didn't want to be thinking about. Because after thinking, excitedly, of kits, he would think of the tensions between his Clan and Fawnstripe's and then a hard knot of anxiety would grow in his stomach and he would feel sick. Spidertail didn't want to think about those things, so he spent his day exhausting himself.

By the time the sun had began to slip below the horizon, he'd already crawled into the Warriors' Den and collapsed. He was awakened what felt like mere seconds later by his brother, whose eyes were narrowed suspiciously. He was quiet for a moment then hissed, "Hawkclaw wants to talk to you--I heard he wants you to meet him by the Rock Pond," and then Sparkclaw slid away to his own nest.

For a moment he couldn't move. He sat, rigidly still, before pulling himself to his paws and walking slowly out of camp. He felt like this was it. He had suspected that some cat knew, and now he knew that he was found out. And by Hawkclaw! He felt like he was going to be sick, but he couldn't bring himself to flee or even come up with some sort of excuse, or a speech, or an explanation for his former mentor. His mind was entirely blank, but he felt almost like he was walking to his doom.

Eventually he made it to the Rock Pond. Spidertail hesitated only a moment but then continued on, Hawkclaw's silhouette becoming clearer and more defined with every pawstep. Once he was only a tail length away, he couldn't force himself to go any further. His heart pounded painfully in his chest and he felt more lost and terrified than ever before.

"Hawkclaw," he said, in a quiet voice that was both afraid and broken. He had always been a disappointment to his clan, he knew that. His mother had never balked at telling him he wasn't what he should be and that had always hurt, but he could live with that. Spidertail could spend his life knowing he wasn't good enough. He was used to that. But there was an entirely different pain and fear that came with knowing he'd disappointed his former mentor--he'd always been proud to have had such a great cat to teach him. He'd almost found Hawkclaw to be a sort of gruff, tough family figure--the kind he had never found in his own father.

He couldn't say anything for a long moment, but he was sure now that Hawkclaw knew. There was something different in the air. He couldn't explain how he knew this, but he just did.

Finally he spoke in the same quiet and sad voice. "I know--I know you always say that sorry doesn't feed a clan, and sorry doesn't keep the borders safe, and I know--I know it doesn't mean anything--at least--that--I know you know about Fawnstripe, and, and--I--I've never been so sorry before, Hawkclaw," he said, his voice breaking near the end.

His chest was heavy and all his muscles were tensed and waiting--almost as if he expected the older cat to attack him here and now.

[KIPPER.]

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[atrb=background,http://i958.photobucket.com/albums/ae64/Byonten/Hawkclaw_Main.png] Now Spidertail was in view he acknowledged his fellow clanmate with a simple flick of his ear, a short and rather distant greeting between two warriors that knew of each other but not close enough to share tongues comfortably. This may have given away his mood and his reasoning to why he had called him here tonight but by the overpowering fear-stench that was emitted from the grey tom Hawkclaw guessed he already knew his reasons. The old tom lifted his gaze once more to the SilverPelt, listening intently for the answers he so desperately sought but alas the StarClan was as silent as the shadows. He didn’t need to mutter a word before the words unspoken between the two came pouring off the young warriors tongue like rain on a birds feather. He listened quietly but refused himself the luxury of dismissal. He would have to listen to Spidertail as nobody else did, teach him as he taught him as an apprentice just what those words meant - this was his doing after all. “You are sorry for what Spidertail? You are sorry that you loved her? You are sorry that you are having kits? Or are you sorry for that pathetic little apology you just spat at me?” His head turned to fix a glare on the tom with green eyes glowing in the moonlight. He dared not move from his perch next to the water as he worried what he may do though not that he would harm his former apprentice, he was more worried that he would instead give in to those weak eyes and comfort him. He let out a long breath and lowered his head with a look of disappointment. He did not want things to go this far. “You, Spidertail, have broken at least two of the warrior code and I fear you may just break another before newleaf is done. You have lied to the clan, mated with a rival warrior, trespassed and disappointed me to no end. I’ve not lied to you before about your lack of skill nor have I kitty-mouthed you in any fashion but I always hoped I had guided your strongest point in the right direction. You have the heart of a Clan cat… though this may not be the Clan.” He raised himself stiffly and paced the edges of the water directly in front of Spidertail while gathering his thoughts. His Clan heart cried out to fight this traitor away yet his own heart wanted to save this young tom even if it meant chasing him away. Every time he pictured what he had witnessed in the BrookClan territory, the one he called Fawnstripe’s face turned to Emberstripe and he wondered if this was his punishment for doing just what this one did to cause all the trouble. The tabby stopped dead in his tracks, his face pulled into one of extreme concentration. “The life of any kit is a gift from StarClan to be cherished. You are to be a father to these kits whether in name only or not, they are your kits and you will take responsibility.” His fur bristled and his dark pigmented claws unsheathed, in a blinding moment he had leapt towards the tom with his ears flattened and teeth bared. “You should be aware now just what those actions mean! BrookClan have declared a bloodshed between the Clans because some GoldenClan scent has been found around the territory. They think we have been stealing their food during leafbare Spidertail! Do you see now? The entire Clan is being held responsible for your mouse-brained antics!” He growled low and loosened his crouch slightly, his jaw set in raw sympathy for the tom’s future. “… and you will attend this meet. Prove to Eaglestar that you are worthy of his trust by aiding in a meaningless fight you started or less I have no choice but to chase you from the home you grew up in and loved. I am not heartless but I love my Clan… nothing will endanger it but I will keep my silence for you if you wish it but things will go ahead as planned whether you are at GoldenClan’s side or not. GoldenClan will not be defeated.” He cast a watchful eye over his companion as he loosened out and resumed his perch by the pond side.

[T. Corpse]

SPIDERTAIL

He stared down at his paws, his head and tail dropping lower and lower as he felt stronger, more powerful sadness and self-hate than ever before. This failure was worse than anything he had ever experienced, knowing that he would never make the mentor proud that had meant so much to him. Something told him that no matter what he did, for the rest of his life, he would never regain Hawkclaw's trust. He felt sick.

"I'm--I'm sorry for... for disappointing you," was all he managed to say. Spidertail couldn't force himself to look up and meet the other warrior's eyes.

But then what the other cat said froze him to the core--he was suggesting what Fawnstripe had tried to convince him to do, but what he could never bring himself to do. He was suggesting that GoldenClan wasn't for him, that if his mate was in BrookClan he should join that clan. He was too astounded that Hawkclaw would even suggest that and he just snapped his head up and widened his eyes, stuttering."I--I--"

"I couldn't--" join BrookClan, he wanted to say, but couldn't. And then Hawkclaw was saying that he would have to take responsibility, and Spidertail knew that--he was going to, he wanted them to be his kits and he would die if they grew up never knowing who he was or how they came to be.

That was the first thing that Hawkclaw said that inspired something in him other than sadness and guilt--now he felt a brief flicker of anger. Didn't he know him well enough to know that he wouldn't allow his kits to grow up the same way he did--not knowing that their father loved them until it was too late? He was about to open his mouth and snap something back, but it was in that moment that the older warrior lunged forward and bared his teeth. Spidertail jumped back, startled, his fur fluffing up and his ears flattening. The older warrior had always scared him in their battle practice and this was no exception.

That brief moment of anger wasn't gone, though. It was back, stronger, meaner, and hotter than before, and he felt it flare in his chest. He snarled back, his eyes flashing. "I know what this means!" This was more aggression, more anger, than he had ever expressed towards any cat, much less one he was a little afraid of. "Don't--everyone--stop treating me like a kit! I'm--I'm not smart, but, but I'm not an idiot, either!"

His voice had risen to a shrill wail and his eyes were wild and angry. He was normally so calm and subservient that this had to be so absolutely shocking--but he was so tired of it all. He felt like he was always being treated like the stupid apprentice (even if this wasn't entirely true) and for a moment he wanted some kind of respect or attention. And maybe that was part of the reason he'd gone off and had an elicit romance with an enemy cat--because maybe, finally, someone would pay attention to him.

"I--of course I'll fight!" He yowled back at Hawkclaw, angrier still that he would think that Spidertail would hesitate to defend his clan--when Hawkclaw had taken Emberstripe as a mate, had his loyalties changed? Did the cat he considered as close to him as a father should have been really not know him at all? Such anger and sadness and disbelief coursed through every inch of his body. "I love Fawnstripe, not--not BrookClan!"

Then, as suddenly as it had appeared, his anger vanished. He visibly crumbled, falling into a sitting position with his head held low. He didn't have the energy or the willpower to stay angry for long and now he felt broken and sad again, and furious with himself for yelling like that. Finally, after a long for moments, he just said, "GoldenClan--I..."

More silence. Then, desperately, he whispered: "Hawkclaw, you have to know I love my clan! I love my Clanmates, I love every piece of wheat, I love--"

"It's just that--you can't understand--you're--you're nothing like me," Spidertail said desperately, trying to tell Hawkclaw everything he thought that he deserved to know, trying to spell it all out for him in a way that he hoped he would understand, but was terrified that he wouldn't.

"You're the greatest warrior in all the Clans--every cat wants you to like them, every cat knows you're the best everything--" He rambled, the words falling out of his mouth quickly and without stopping--he knew he had to say this all now, all at once, or else he would never have the courage to say it at all.

Spidertail was breathing heavily now and he was trembling, the grief feeling as if it had ripped a hole where his heart had been. He just ached with all this feeling. "GoldenClan loves you--" He said, his eyes suddenly growing bitter-- "I love GoldenClan, and--and--I just--I just know that GoldenClan will never l-love me like I love them." He finished.

After that he dipped his head and said nothing.

[ so uh, that post kind of got away from me :U ]

[KIPPER.]

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[atrb=background,http://i958.photobucket.com/albums/ae64/Byonten/Hawkclaw_Main.png] Hawkclaw couldn’t deny that at first he was disappointed in the young warrior - he had shown too many mistakes to ever be forgiven fully and even if he were to accept Spidertail once more there was no guarantee that the Clan would feel the same. He remained still and unmoving as the cat crumbled helplessly under the pressure of his own guilt and frustration… this would not be easy for even the strongest of cats and through experience Hawkclaw could sympathize him. He remembered the taunts and the hateful glares when he brought back his mate, as defeated physically as she was the Clan showed no mercy for another who had not been born of the Clan and she did not want it either but there was not one moment that the tom faltered in his dedication to helping and after a time being mated. To this day Emberstripe, though respected and treated as an equal member of the Clan cannot escape the mistrustful glares she would catch from the corner of her amber eye from those who did not believe her worth to the Clan. As her mate, he shared this pain. His rounded ears twitched at the remorseful accusation. It wasn’t that Hawkclaw was being hard on him because he was different if anything he was difficult with the cat because they were so alike. Every word stung him like the sharp thorns of a rose, if Spidertail knew then perhaps he would be the one sympathizing with the older cat. The little tabby apprentice approached the silver-pelted warrior with pure adoration in his eyes. Frostedstar had just been named Leader to GoldenClan and amongst the chaos of purrs and congratulations the little kit was pushed to the side. He was angry, all he wanted to do was congratulate him yet in a world where warriors were top-cats he was overlooked and batted away. The great cat appeared in front of him with his icy white gaze full of curiosity. Hawkpaw glared and stalked off though most of the clan were in too big of a frenzy to notice. He got it. Now that Frostedpaw was leader there was no way they could hunt together and climb tall trees and he was angry to the point of yowling. When the chaos had died down and the others escaped to go about their business, Frostedstar approached the young cat and purred. Hawkpaw flattened his ears and couldn’t bring himself to meet the other tom’s gaze, he was below that now. “Hawkpaw, what angers you?” The great leader asked quietly. The young cat unsure of what to reply flattened himself to the ground with eyes glazed with the threat of tears. “This stinks Frostedstar!” He mewed. “Just because you’re the best at everything doesn’t mean that you can ignore me!” The great cat chuckled softly under his breath. “No cat is the best at everything. I’ve given up so much to be as I am today and some of it I would give my nine lives to forget.” A look of sadness darkened his eyes which startled the young tom who softened with curiosity but didn’t badger on the subject. The white cat rose to his paws and headed towards his den but before he disappeared he ushered a meaningful warning that was to stay with him until this moment. “… but I will never regret.” and with that he disappeared along with Hawkclaw’s vivid flashback. The tom was where he had sat last with a heart beating loudly in his breast. He turned his head slowly to face Spidertail and saw not a smoky grey cat but a dark tabby kit with fierce eyes. He flicked his tail with amusement and mentally swatted Frostedstar for setting him up like this. With a new sense of knowing he felt himself rising and approaching the grey with a new sense of wonder… perhaps this would make him stronger. He gave his apprentice’s shoulder an affectionate lick and settled beside him. “No prey should come without a hunt and the same will go for you. StarClan does not victimize the weak unless they themselves believe they are being victimized so I pray to them that you have not lost your spirit Spidertail. There will be times when you wish to give up the hunt but think not of your failure but of the great prize ahead of you whether that be prey, territory or your kits. For you the task is greater as you are not aware yet of what it is you really want in this life.” A low grumble flowed freely from his chest. “… Now, lift your head and stop acting like a kittypet scorned or the Clan will be on both our tails.”

[T. Corpse]

SPIDERTAIL

For a moment Spidertail was absolutely sure that Hawkclaw had only been made angrier by everything that had been said. He crouched lower as he felt the other cat shift closer, and winched right as Hawkclaw went to lick him, thinking that he would do something more, well, violent. But he didn't, and Spidertail blinked in surprise as he realized that his former mentor was trying to comfort him.

Spidertail couldn't think of a time when the other warrior had ever done something like that, not even during his apprenticeship when he was scared and unsure half the time. It made him strangely warm and fuzzy to get that sort of affection--a fatherly gesture that he certainly never got from Flameclaw. For a moment he just sat still, things suddenly seeming okay, the anger and sadness and guilt sliding away for a moment.

"Yeah, yeah--back to Camp," He stuttered, and righted himself. He stood up and tried to look cool, calm, and collected, but he was trembling a little--both from the negativity that still hung like a cloud over him and the relief that he felt at Hawkclaw's not tearing him to shreds. Spidertail took a step away, back towards the Camp, before turning to the other tom.

"I--Fawnstripe's supposed to have our kits tonight," he blurted out, wanting him to know. He felt like an idiot for even thinking it, but for a moment he wished that Hawkclaw could meet them and they could look up to him in the same way he'd looked up to the much senior warrior. Plus, he wanted Hawkclaw to know these things, anyway--now that the weight of the secret was gone he felt so much better. He was still hiding from his clan, yes, but--it was better to have someone know.

"How am I--can I--" He started, trying to ask two questions at once: he wanted to ask how he was supposed to keep himself from worrying to death, how to be sure that his mate wouldn't bleed out or something horrific like that. But he also wanted to ask a different question, something he'd wanted to ask Fawnstripe a million times but never got the guts to do it.

"If I ask Eaglestar," Spidertail started, carefully, "do you think--if she wanted to--he would let Fawnstripe come to GoldenClan? I--I know I shouldn't be thinking about this, with the battle coming, but I'll fight either way, and I--I want to be a responsible father. I want--I want my kits to be in GoldenClan." He said, all of it coming out at once, just like before--it was easier to say it that way. He held his breath, hoping that maybe Hawkclaw would understand, what with Emberstripe coming from BrookClan as well.

[KIPPER.]

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[atrb=background,http://i958.photobucket.com/albums/ae64/Byonten/Hawkclaw_Main.png] If anything Spiderclaw’s new-found ‘cool’ was more suspicious than if he ran into the camp declaring his love for BrookClan. Hawkclaw scowled but said nothing of it as he was well aware that Spidertail was feeling more vulnerable than he had done before. He could not forgive him but he was sure it wasn’t against the warrior code to comfort him as much as his old heart could if that meant anything. With the gray cat at his side they started moving quickly yet the air of questioning had not lifted in the least and Spidertail’s next words brought a new wave of sympathy as well as a mild hint of annoyance. He was pretty sure he was going to ask him if he could go see Fawnstripe but thankfully he grasped the situation before letting the words roll off his tongue. The simple answer to that would be no, not because being mean and using the situation against him but because that would be pure mouse-brained if he was to sneak into the BrookClan nursery and expect to leave with him and the kits intact. His next question however was not unexpected but surprised him nonetheless. “… That is not your choice to make Spidertail and I certainly don’t think now would be a good time to ask.” He paused and eyed his companion thoughtfully before he slowed the pace and continued. Spidertail, like the rest of the clan were well aware of Emberstripe’s beginnings and the cat before him was one young enough to forget where she had come from an accept her as she was and for that he was grateful but he was really asking the wrong tom advice on outer-clan affairs. “When Emberstripe cane to us, she was not my mate and to be brutally honest that was the last thing on her mind. I was her captor, I found her in the wounds near-dead and dragged her back to camp. Why? I have no idea. This cat meant nothing to me nonetheless I remembered that no cat unable to look after itself was to be left for dead. It took many, many moons of care by my paw and more than a few war-wounds before anything emotional took place - she started to realize that GoldenClan was her friends rather than her enemy and therefore I meant no harm. As her strength returned she had no desire to return to BrookClan as she had made her home so when she asked she was allowed a place within the Clan… That’s when our kits were born.” he looked uncomfortable as he described his love-life in detail. He reserved the right to silence when describing the more intimate parts of his relationship like when and where and hoped that Spidertail got the idea. “… Born into GoldenClan. Yours are born into BrookClan like their mother and will be raised BrookClan warriors if they choose it. Over there they have no knowledge that they have a paw in both Clans, they will be able to live as full warriors without regret of hostility from their peers and they will live long, happy lives not knowing of us in detail. Bring them here and they will be mocked, feared, half-born runts with the knowledge of their parents illicit affair. You have thought about this haven’t you?” The night air stroked at his tabby pelt and he could feel the approach of the sunrise just a few hours away. Eaglestar had given him patrol duties for the morning so his mind warned him that this night-time rendezvous was going to make him grumpy when the sun came out but some things were more important. Just then it occurred to him - though he shouldn’t be helping his former apprentice the least he could do was give him an indirect hint when parts of the territory would be uncovered so perhaps he could disappear unnoticed for a while to see his kits. “I know the patrols. I’m leading the dawn patrol. We’re covering this area, the old tree and the northern sector of the territory. We switch at sun-high at the fence. Unfortunately this leaves a small window of time in which those covering the eastern route are distracted. It would be a shame if someone was to get in or out…” He meowed quietly. All the warrior wanted to do was see his kits and if he was caught then it was his own fault that he made such a silly choice in mates.